It was a clear warm night when it happened.
The town was still that night, people stayed in their homes.
They'd heard it was coming that night and didn't wish to be caught in the middle.
They couldn't believe it was coming to their town, impossible, they thought, not out West.
Well here it was. It was happening.
The Burger Shoot-Out
Here in this town the law runs things. And the law of Burgers is easy, In N Out. And I'm not talking about some first year cadets rolling around on ten-speeds in bike shorts and cotton-white polos, no, I'm talking some bad-ass, Earpesque mustache-wearing, whiskey-slugging law keepers.
And now we got this new kid in town, this hot gunslinging Johnny Ringo type called Five Guys.
I guess there's just one thing left to do. Say When.
First things first, they say never to judge a book by it's cover, well you might as well flush that down the toilet and quit lying to yourself. Seriously, I mean books? Who reads books anymore? Of course you're not going to judge a book by it's cover, who even wants to look at a book long enough to judge it. Those things are like 200 pages. No way. Just give me the blog version.
While I'm all in favor of brown-baggin it, the law comes out on top with a much sturdier, grease-concealing burger sack. Grease stains are so last season.
Bun to Bun they stood, Double-Double Animo style to the Bacon Burger with a tomato slice, pickles, onions, and a few sprinkled shrooms. And Cheeseburger plain to Cheeseburger plain. And not to be forgotten, a full round of fries for each.
Five Guys fired the first shoot with two magnificently meaty thick patties. As our faithful know, we've always preached, "the bigger the better," and believe you me, this burger is a mouthful of meat.
But the Double-Double wasn't about to hand over it's badge just yet. Although being undersized against the larger Five Guys, In N Out stood it's ground. As they say, "It's not the size of the dog fight you bet on, but the dog's fighting size."
What it comes down to my friends is quite simple, buns. So why don't you epoxy your tasty pair to that sitting utensil and listen to this.
With Five Guys packing two heftier slabs of meat, the buns need to be able to carry that weight, unfortunately this was not the case, and by the time of the "Holy Bite" (the last bite, for all you Darwiniacs) the buns had been sogged-down into a bisquit taste. Whereas the golden buttered buns of In N Out, sporting the halo-esque crisped edges on it's underbelly stay strong until the end.
(In N Out on the left, Five Guys on the right)
In the end, I do believe the final nail in the coffin has to come down to the two most gastro-orgasmic words one can hear, Cheese Paper. You know exactly what I'm talking about. That beautiful mess left on the wrapper after you've peeled that burger out from under it's blanket and so delicately scraped it with your teeth. I know. I need a minute too.
Five Guys throws a curve ball with Cheese Foil, but unfortunately it hangs a little high and In N Out jacks it out. Foil has plenty of strong points I'm sure, I can't think of any, but I know for a fact that scraping melted cheese from it is not on that list.
Lest we forget the fries. Notice the purposeful omission of "French." Here at WOS we believe fries transcend national barriers and shall not be pigeonholed. Five Guys again takes the cake on sheer size and spices it up with a nice thorough seasoning, albeit having the overall texture and consistency of the fry itself equal to that of In N Out.
Five Guys offers a host of toppings, barbeque sauce being one of which will definitely be smothered across the next burger eaten there. Not to mention a couple nice hot dogs on the menu as well, but in the end our affiliations still lie with the red and white, and dash of yellow.
Of course if you picked up on the Tombstone references I so thickly laid on, you would have known that by now. Johnny Ringo dies at the end, remember? Doc shoots him right between the eyes and then mocks him as he stumbles to his death. Stellar performance by Val in that one. Might be his best work I think. That or Top Gun. It's hard to beat those young statuesque features he had as Ice Man. How about that volleyball scene? Watch out. Nothing like a greased-up game of bare-chested beach volleyball to get you in the mood for some dogfight'n.
Sorry now, I'm ramblin' again.
In N Out
That's what a hamburger's all about.
Wasted On Steak
We'll be your huckleberry